Thumb Twiddling

And jelly bean eating.  I must stop the sugar.  But what better marking companion than butter-popcorn flavour jelly beans?

I digress.  Yesterday, we went apple picking for the first time.  How I love the east!  It means I do need recipes for all things apples - anyone know how to freeze your own applesauce? Does it freeze well?

Other than that, I went for an ultrasound Friday.  The tech, though, decided she wasn't going to see anything before she started because she felt it was too early.  When I explained my ectopic ruptured at just over five weeks, she said "it doesn't matter, I know I won't see anything."  Well, it turns out she may, but don't quote her on it, have seen something residing nicely in the uterus.  So tommorrow evening, a follow-up ultrasound. 

In the meantime, I am also repeating my beta HCG's tomorrow (they were just above normal range last week, which is good) - my doctor said not to worry about doing it every two days, and in a way that's liberating (how could I possibly get in every two days?) , but not knowing the count makes me not trust that the level is going up.  After all, last pregnancy, I didn't clue in when things went south.  I can't seem to trust the process right now, or to believe that I am actually pregnant.  I don't know if I will ever get beyond that worry this time around.  I am, though, tired, but not as tired as I was with the previous two pregnancies (I remember the day my ectopic ruptured, I was driving home and almost fell asleep at the wheel.  I had a fever and didn't realize it...).  I am not terribly gaggy, though have been avoiding sinus rinses, and smells do bother me.  Mostly, I'm having crazy dreams and am waking up completely soaked through my pajamas several times a night.  I have at least one miscarriage dream a night - I'm thinking hormones? 

Tommorrow is also the day I go for a first official prenatal dr's visit, though I feel perhaps it's a bit too early, as it hasn't been established as a viable pregnancy yet, and the risk of miscarriage is still there.  I am also booked to see midwives a little later in the month.  I'm in a wierd space about that.  Anja's birth was the best birth a person could ask for - a drug-free water with midwives birth.  Still, she was 9 lb 10 ounces, and, after pushing for 3.5 hours, I can't say that I enjoyed myself.  It was damn hard.   I know there are reasons I chose that route before, and it was transformational, but do I really need to be transformed again?  Surely, just a wee epidural would help?  I am getting ahead of myself. 

So, a day of medical appointments and trying to catch up on course prep tomorrow.  Cross fingers and toes!