The past week and a half have been, well, complicated for a number of reasons. Pregnancy wise, it may be that I have a bit of anemia as I started getting SO tired even just doing silly stuff like walking up the stairs (and we have 5 sets of stairs in our house), and walking the dog made me want to pass out for the rest of the day. I had stopped taking my iron supplements because I didn't get to the store to buy a new bottle, and my haemoglobin was not the best - indeed borderline - when I had blood taken at 24 weeks. Now, I'm 32.4. Anyway, my midwife suggested I double up on the iron for a few weeks, and then I'll get it rechecked.


The other surprising and slightly worrying thing is that at my visit yesterday, I had +2 protein in my urine. She gave me some strips to take home, and this morning I had +1. My blood pressure appears fine (110/70), but combined with the utter fatigue, the new back pain, and that wierd month where I gained 9 lbs etc, I don't quite know what's up. I have also had some wierd occasional vision things where I see what appear to be little firefly specks. My weight gain has been normal since then, as has my fluid retention, though I had to buy a pair of size 7 summer shoes this week while I am usually a size 6. I am probably worrying for nothing, but you know me by now, I worry. Lots. It's a good thing Kirk has a blood pressure cuff at home, and I will recall my midwife tomorrow if things are still looking funny. I know my blood pressure is usually far BELOW normal ranges, so the question is, is it possible to have "normal" blood pressure but have it be high for me?

So, last night I was up worrying about that. I also stayed up a bit to watch the first half of Glee, but couldn't get through it - anybody else ever think that once a show knows it's successful, it ends up losing a lot of its, well, good writing in order to make it live up to the hype?

Anyway, I don't really want to write about Glee, but I am avoiding the bigger subject. Along with feeling like hibernating for four months every time I go for a walk, I have been crying three or four times a day about various things and finally figured out why. We made the decision to pull Anja out of preschool at the end of this week. She does not like "work" time there, and has struggled with going for some time, despite all the things she has learned. I don't know that Montessorri is quite the right learning environment for her - there is not a lot of true creative time, and I think she needs that and, gosh darn it, just to play. Anyway, it's been quite a ride trying to communicate our concerns with the director, who has opened another school and is hardly there. First, she took more than 24 hours to respond to a serious concern. I teach business communication. Bad, bad, bad. Also bad is when you can't construct a proper sentence and you teach children. When I wrote about how Anja was so unhappy, my concerns about the lack of natural, outdoor playtime (which is included in their school philosophy, and we were told the children would be going to the amazing lake-fronting park across the street lots when we registered - they haven't been there once), the director wrote back said "maybe it's just a drop off issue, she's (note the comma splice) fine the rest of the day" and "you will have to keep paying the fees according to school policy." This has happened before with nutrition issues - she is just a hard person to talk to in person and to communicate with via email. I also know from the actual teachers that Anja does struggle.

So. Why is this such a big decision, beyond the fact is is silly financially? It took days of weeping to figure it out. First, I realized that Anja has been sending us messages for a very long time through her behaviour and words that something was up, and because it wasn't necessarily convenient for us at the time, I didn't act on these signs quite as effectively as I could have. I am also afraid at the prospect of being hugely pregnant and then tired with a newborn was more than I could cope with. Then I realized the bigger reason: I was afraid of being alone with her for all that time.

I've been increasingly afraid to spend time alone with Anja for the past year, and not because of her, but because of the person I become when I am around her. I truly appreciate my good friends for saying "but look at all that's on your plate - of course you are going to lose your patiences sometimes." Still, I know and knew that it was deeper than that. I just couldn't articulate what was going on.



So, I hit the parenting books. I've also always known that it is not about Anja's behaviour, but it is about what her behaviour is trying to tell me. She is the little kid, and I, supposedly, am the adult. I found a fabulous book called "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and What to Do About It." Now, I may need more actual techniques about how to handle sticky situations (I also bought "How to Raise a Spirited Child," but haven't read it yet), but I know that starting with me is the best approach. It is hard to communicate all the major points of the book, but what I have realized is that I react a lot out of anxiety, withdrawal and reseentment. This, of course, all stems from how I was raised. I KNEW I was doing the same things my parents did (not letting me have real emotions about things, making me responsible for their emotions at the same time communicating that if I withdrew from them, I was the most horrid person alive, etc, etc), but I could not figure out why I was doing this. I realized that my biggest "weapon" in all my relationships is withdrawal, because it was the only thing I could do for a long time. Every time there is a crisis - whether it be about getting dressed or what have you, I don't know do what else to besides withdraw, even though I develop major guilt associations around withdrawal. This same withdrawal is the power tool I've been using against Anja since toddlerhood.
Also, as you know, I tend to be a highly anxious person. I rush and nag her a lot, which seems to stem from my fear of life spiralling out of control. Everything must happen according to plan and schedule or the world will fall apart.

Finally, I have been afraid that she will suck the life out of me and drain everything I want for myself (time to write, etc) as have other mother relationships in my life, and so I resent that she, being four, cannot take care of herself and is irrational often and has her own ideas about the way time works. But she, actually, is not responsible for any of that.

None of this is particularly rocket science, but it feels half decent to know about my triggers so I can step back in a situation and understand why I'm reacting the way I am and to know that she is not really doing it on purpose, but has learned to react to my reactions.

Here I had thought that I had "dealt" with all the family of origin stuff in my twenties, but those damn families of origins keep popping up again and again.


So, it does appear that I am currently on "best behaviour" - and I'm trying to make it a habit to realize she walks to the beat of her own drummer, and I to mine, and sometimes those will conflict without the sky falling. More, I don't have to be stuck feeling the way I do about myself and her for the rest of my life. Maybe I can be good at this after all.