On Wednesday and Thursday mornings, Anja and I need to leave the house by 8:20 in order for me to be at work on time. One would think that starting to get Anja dressed after breakfast at 7:40 would be ample time to accomplish the leaving-the-house goal. However, for some unknown reason this morning, Anja decided not to get dressed, not to listen, and to scream and cry copiously until 8:15 at which point I basically forced her into her clothes, lost my own temper and told her we were definitely not taking cupcakes to school for her birthday tommorrow if she continued that behaviour. More crying and screaming ensued to the point I thought I might hit or shake her, which is a very scary place to be in. Finally, we got in the car and started driving, though she wouldn't stop screaming. At that point, I pulled over to the side of our road and told her to shut up (yikes) and not say a word the whole way to school or we would sit there the whole day and again, there would be no cupcakes tommorrow. Thankfully she was finally quiet. When we got to school, I apologized and said we would make cupcakes if we both had better behaviour when I picked her up.
However, I'm afraid I set the tone for the whole day, as her teachers said she screamed and refused to co-operatethe whole morning at school, which is unheard of behaviour for her Mid cupcake making this afternoon, her friend Kate was playing outside. Kate is 7 and Anja LOVES to play with her, but it was just before dinner, we were making cupcakes, then it would be bed time, so I said no. Which set off another screaming fit in which she had to be "sequestered" for her own safety. I threw the dog in there too, who was stealing socks again and running away in frenzied-you-can't-catch-me fashion. After a cooling off period, Anja returned and commenced screaming about something else - to which I actually said "You are behaving so badly, I don't think you deserve birthday presents tommorrow. Now sit down and finish the stupid cupcakes."
Why do such awful, stupid and atrocious things come out of my mouth? Why am I not better at remaining calm? Why do things never seem to escalate like this with Kirk? Why can't I remember to count to ten? Where is all the latent rage coming from? I know since being pregnant it's been a lot worse, but sometimes I think we need to go to family counselling to get things back on track, as I always feel like I'm the heavy who can't keep her temper, and I get so exhausted with this role. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and just do it. Arg. Anybody else been there?
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The Math of Grief
6 years ago
Soooooooo been there. So glad to hear I'm not the only bad mommy. And I can't even blame it on pregnancy (a fact for which I must admit I am grateful!) Every mom that I have talked to about this assures me that I am not the worst human and earth. They also reassure me that "mom's always get the worst", which explains why Kirk and Chris can stay calm: they never see what you and I see. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteSo I guess I'll tell you what all the other mom's tell me (though I'm not totally sure I believe them): You are most definitely NOT a terrible awful mommy. You get the worst of the worst because Anja knows you are a "soft place to fall" and will love her forever no matter what. In a roundabout way it's a compliment.
Admittedly, it's a compliment I wouldn't mind getting less often.
As usual, thanks for sharing and making me feel less alone!
sigh... been there too. more than i like to admit. it is amazing how motherhood can really hold a mirror to some parts of ourselves we'd rather not have to look at very often! you are not a bad mother! i am not a bad mother. we do have bad days and everyone does. (i must assume anyway). wish i could be there to take you out for a decaf coffee somewhere nice. tomorrow will be a better day.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe there are many mothers who haven't been there at least at some point. It is 'the' most intense relationship you will ever have in both a good way - love - and the not-so-good way . . .
ReplyDeleteIt's easy to try and compare yourself to Kirk, but think of the percentage of time you are with Anja, and of that how much do you remain calm? With Kirk's hours away, he has far fewer opportunities to 'lose it', and kids always seem to listen better to the ones that aren't 'always' having to tell them what to do. It's a completely different dynamic.
I understand about wishing you could find a way to stop the rage before it hits - counting to ten, etc. - but somehow in that moment all seems lost. The little voice in the back of your head that says 'stay calm' somehow gets drowned out.
It's not easy, and no, you are not alone.
Love you,
~C~
Brenda thanks so much for posting. I sit here with tears in my eyes realizing that I'm not the only one who is struggling with a preschooler. IT's harder than I ever imagined. The baby is a snap compared to him, if that's any consolation. Hang in there, keep writing, be kind to yourself. you are loved. Sometimes I wonder what happened to my sweet little boy and who left this terrible brat in his place, and my heart breaks for wanting my sweet boy back. But I pray... maybe for a different set of eyes with which to view this, or some thunderbolt of parenting skill to hit me! :)
ReplyDeletehugs hugs hugs, it's harder with preggo hormones, I KNOW.
Ryan wants a "blueberry cake" for his birthday, and I'm refusing to make any cupcakes! LOL.
xoxo kim
Thank you all - all mothers I know who try to be the very best mothers possible. It IS nice to know I'm not alone, and that suddenly preschoolers become "entitled." The birthday week has been a huge struggle for that - today I just could not face going to church with them and listening to more whining, so am staying home doing laundry and going for a nice long walk with the dog. I am so glad to know I am not a freakish monster.
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