Time, Time, Time, See What's Become of Me

A lot of thought about time lately, mainly from reading one of my favourite bloggers (http://www.julia.typepad.com/) and a note about a blog she reads, which had me at the first line "Today I took in a part-time boarder, just as if I were a Victorian widow who had, through circumstances only whispered about, fallen on Difficult Times"(www.irretrievablybroken.wordpress.com/). 

Do we have enough leisure time as mothers and sometimes wives?  How to have a successful career and be a good mom?  Domestic help? And what are the implications of that?  Is it better to stay at home or work?  Things I've often thought about myself.  What if Kirk and I got divorced?  How would I be able to support a family?  Would it seem like I just rode his doctorly coattails?  (ha, a ha, a ha ha ha).  Why do I feel guilty, or that it is time stolen when I do take time for myself?  Is it leisure time when, say, you take the kiddo skating on the Canal like we did today?  Or is that family time?  Can they be seperated?

I'm not saying I know any answers for everyone, and I've learned a lot over the last few years not to judge any other mother until I've walked in her shoes, and I don't know if it is because Anja is getting older, or because I'm thinking alot about how to manage when the babe comes, or because we have been focussing on Kirk's career so, so much over the past 5 years (wow, 5 years), but I really think that for my own sanity, and my education, etc, etc, that I NEED to follow my own career path too.  For me, it's easier than for some, because I can do it at night, fit it in around other work, etc, etc, but in a way it's harder too, because writing doesn't carry a lot of external rewards. 

Another question:  why do I need to fit it in around other things?  Why is it still expected largely that I run the house?  That I am in charge of all else besides Kirk's work?  I don't particularly feel like I signed up for that.  Why is true partnership only theoretical?  I read a good quote on a comment page on one of the above blogs, about how just as it is an woman's right to acheive true equality in the workplace, it is also a man's right and opportunity to acheive true equality and partnership in the home. 

How do you work to acheive this in your own lives?  Do you just give up after a while because things never seem to change (i.e. we all went skating today.  We get home and Kirk runs to his computer, as always, while I am left to put all the coats, gloves, mitts, skates, helmets and stroller, and food and water away.  Why?  Why?) 

Ok, enough complaining.  I do feel much happier knowing I get to write every night.  I think I just have trouble finding focus - I have a story idea on the go, a kid's book, poems, the blog (speaking of which, I pulled my unread Crime and Punishment from the shelf today - a gift from a Dad along time ago when I was an English major)....I am really trying just to honour the process at this point, though, and respect that it is not necessarily at this point about the end product.

This is also why I am very glad, too, to be in pottery again.  I have decided not to feel any guilt about it at all.  I do have a dream about having my own studio/kiln one day, even if it is just a shed in the back yard. 

And, also thinking about why people blog and thinking it's actually a fairly amazing thing.  I think there is a tendency to denigrate blogging as narcissism (and I accuse myself of this frequently), but isn't it instead this amazing way we have of connecting with like spirits?  Of knowing we are not alone?  Even if we never meet.  Imagine the complete isolation women in the 50's and 60's as suburbia was forming.  Imagine not being able to voice feelings of isolation, confusion, pent up creativity.

Well, I'm so tired tonight after skating (hello thighs), and not being able to have a good sleep last night due to crazy, crazy indigestion - I have never felt so sick without being sick, but have noticed lately I cannot even overeat a bite without feeling like I have an elephant on my stomach.  I also keep wondering when the 1st trimester fatigue is going to disappear, but going back to work after Christmas seems to be hitting me hard, even with a lax schedule, ie, I need to sleep 10 hours a night AND have a nap, though if I have a nap, I can't sleep at night, ya da ya da ya da.

I'm hoping Anja is well tomorrow - after the sinusitis and double ear infection over Christmas, she's had another cough and fever this week and today pink eye.  Here last semester I was so pleased we didn't miss a day of work.  Oh well, at least this semester I get sick days.

And, if you read this blog, let me know!  I feel lonely sometimes.