-You never really know the cause. Blighted ovum (in that there was an implanted egg and placenta, but no further growth, which is heartbreaking itself, because it never was a baby?)? Genetics (will it happen again)?
-If you already have a child, you tend to go places where all The Happy Families go. Which means pregnant women and newborns everywhere.
-Tissue.
-You have nothing physical to mourn. Everything gets flushed down the toilet.
-The disappearance of all pregnancy symptoms.
-It is strangely embarrassing. Something some people don't wish to discuss. A failure of your own body to sustain life. A confirmation that really you were never adequate all along.
-The return of your bloodwork that says your beta HCG has returned to below 2. The follow-up ultrasound that shows, well, nothing, even though you had the ridiculous hope that maybe it was all just a clinical error.
-You were the only one to really know the child. Not even the father has had a real connection yet, so the greif tends to be yours alone.
-People ask how far along you were - as if you would love a child less, or it wouldn't have as much effect on you, at 6 weeks versus at 16 weeks.
-On the next pregnancy, having to write "4th pregnancy, 1 live birth" on all the paperwork.
-Deciding on having the guts to do it all again. The complete and utter terror and ridiculous hope and the bullshit of all the rigamorale involved with a post-ectopic pregnancy.
-On seeing the wonder of your daughter and realizing what could have been.
-On wanting to enjoy what was to be a great summer, and feeling like curling up in a ball all day long.
-On having people ask "are you still upset?" 3 days later.
-Being alone, alone, alone, and not having the energy to explain you feel alone and why to anyone except your computer screen, when really you should be marking essays.
-To have to carry the ache of these two little souls my whole life.
Posts
The Math of Grief
6 years ago
Wow. I somehow stumbled upon this blog, as if it were ment for me, I recently suffered two miscarriages one in Nov at 5 weeks and one in Feb at 10wks . What you wrotes here describes my exact sentiments . I am currently married to the love of my life my high school sweetheart who i had a 4 year split with and managed to get pregnant by someone else, now that we are reunited and i know that my life has and always will be ment to be spent with him i wanted a family to maifest these indescribable feeling of love. And his first two children ( or would be children, i miscarried.)The part of never feeling adequate hit the nail on the head writing my pregnancies down as 3 and only 1 live birth, on not being sure if I could risk experiencing the heartbreak that losing my babies has brought all over again by getting pregnant again. Seeing my son with his step dad and seeing what a wonderful father he is and yet somehow I feel like I robbed him of experiencing what it is like to hold a newborn in your arms or a toddler at arms length. Not knowing how long is it ok to feelso sad when people seem to think I should be over it by now and just be happy I have my son, and lastly I feel alone.
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