Small Heartbreaks

In the grand scheme of things, maybe it is not such a big deal. A little one-off by a three-year-old, maybe because she was unsure about coming, or maybe just because three-year-old's say these things. In any case, my heart has been aching for my daughter all day.

Today, because I have the summer off and Anja is home with me, we had some other kids over for summer playgroup. It rained all day, so no park and wading pool. Anja and a little girl were playing downstairs when her mum said to me "This morning ***** said 'I don't like Anja, but I like Anja's house.'" I think my breathing stopped. I know I had to stop myself from crying then and in spurts the rest of the day (it doesn't help that I am particularly emotional these days.)

How can someone not like my daughter? She is sweet and loving and full of joy. She has the curliest blond mop you'll ever see. She loves to sing; she loves to play; she loves to listen to music and dance. She loves to read stories, to be outside, to take care of people. Her favourite thing in the world is to snuggle up in my arms. As she says, "I love all the animals." She asks me every day "Mummy, are you happy?" (a complicated question: perhaps the subject of another post).

I worry for her. I worry that she so badly wants to fit in with other kids. I worry because she has such a tender, pure heart. I worry that I can't protect her from the whims of others, be they great and terrible whims or small whims that kill the spirit slowly. I worry that I will not be able to help her maintain her sense of personal integrity and strength as she grows up. I worry about protecting her body and soul from all that is evil in the world (not at all that this little girl or her comment is evil, it just stirs up all these overwhelming questions.). Oh lord, I think, she is just three. Does it have to start now?

I know there is a lot of talk in the media these days about parents and working parents and stay at home parents and parents who treat their children like handbags and don't want to give up their lifestyle for their children and parents these days, parents these days, parents these days.

I would just like to say here that as a parent these days, the minute my daughter was born, I knew it was the foremost duty to protect her - to sheild her from disasters personal, political and environmental. By that I don't mean spoil her or not let her figure things out for herself, but as I am responsible for bringing this innocent creature into the world, I am responsible for fighting for her to the death.

Perhaps this is what scares me most: I think most mothers around the world think that way. I think far too many mothers have fought for their children to the death and haven't been able to save them from rape, pain and death. I think all mothers and children deserve more than that. I think I don't really have a clue what that means, and how it happens around the world day after day after day. I think that to help protect the integrity of my daughter's spirit, I have to show her how to protect and care for others. This is not easy; I have never felt particularly brave. I have never known (or I have given myself the excuse that I have never known) how to crawl out of my own shell. I am proud of her daddy, because this is what he does every day. And I am scared shitless, because I have this feeling that his work will take him and us to places far away or close to home where things are bad, bad, bad. I have a feeling Anja and I will have to do something about this ourselves. I am scared of opening myself and her up to what that is.

In the meantime, when she wanders down to my room tonight (which she inevitably does), I will hold her as close as I can for as long as I can.